The Journey Home – Part 3: Signposts Read

This final part will be by far the most difficult to write. This is not for lack of data or history, nor memory or knowledge; but simply because that which I am to write about I do not fully understand, and I imagine never will, at least not in this earthly life. For in this final part I am to write about the ‘tap on the shoulder’ from God, the subtle shift in reality which cannot be ignored, in simultaneity one seeks God, and God equally seeks to find them; one cannot be found if they truly do not wish it to be so.

So, once again, where was I? That’s right, evil. If there is evil, then there is Good, and I knew on which side of that split I’d rather stand. The history here is hazy, and I cannot imagine such a thing as a clear personal revelation, explainable to the detail. For as I was writing/recalling A Methodology of Possession, so too was such a possession opening an extra-sensible vision of what it is to believe. What does this mean in practice? If I had to stretch, and attempt to apply the empirical at this early stage, I would state simply that the abyss of a thousand-thousand nihilist aphorisms is, in trepidation, overcome by a slight fullness of being, and of reality. A warmth penetrates into coldness; frost, in its unforgiving rigidity, cracks apart at even the gentlest touch.

Before I go any further on feeling and actuality, I must attend to an important section of history. It was roughly September 2019 when things began to take a turn. How do I know this? Because this was when, as I look back upon my account, I ordered P.D. Ouspensky’s In Search of the Miraculous. For those that do not know, this book is considered the go-to text on the work, or ‘The Work’, of George Ivanovich Gurdjieff. Now, I shan’t go into the Work of Gurdjieff in full here, but in short it is an esoteric practice which focuses on being more attentive of reality, illuminating, observing and eventually, eradicating negative emotions such as pride, hate, anger etc. It isn’t really a work I can discuss in writing, for most of it is undertaken in very subtle internal practice. (But for those interested I don’t actually recommend Ouspensky’s book first, I would recommend A Study of Gurdjieff’s Teaching by Kenneth Walker) Anyway, why was Gurdjieff’s ‘Work’ so important to my journey back to God? Primarily because Gurdjieff’s Work can be understood as ‘Esoteric Christianity’, in fact, this is at times what Gurdjieff called it. What is meant by ‘Esoteric Christianity’? As one would imagine, it simply means that there are deeper lessons in the Bible than what are read on its surface. Now, here I must add a caveat. I now don’t agree with the term ‘Esoteric Christianity’, because if Christianity is taught to you correctly then it is always-already esoteric. However, if, you are as I was in the first part of these writings, that is someone who had quite a terrible education regarding Christianity, then a correct education regarding Christ will indeed come across as esoteric. Perhaps it would be best for me to give one such example of what is meant by this in the Gurdjieffian tradition. I’ll take a section from a text called The New Man: An Interpretation of Some Parables and Miracles of Christ by Maurice Nicoll, a major student of Gurdjieff, and a great lay-theologian in his own right. The section itself is understood in relation to Mark 10:25 – “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.”

“Christ has been speaking about how difficult it is for one who is rich to enter the Kingdom. He is speaking of being rich in contrast to the state of little children who are innocent because they have not yet acquired their false ideas of themselves(p53)…In a passage coming a little earlier, where the rich man comes to Christ and says: “Master, what good thing shall I do that I may have eternal life?” The answer is: “Why askest thou me concerning that which is good? One there is who is good. ” Only God is good. No man is good. All goodness, everything that is good, the goodness of anything, whatever it be, is from God. The rich man is rich because he feels he has kept all the commandments. He feels merit. He feels himself justified, and so rich, by acting from Truth, by having observed all the commandments: yet perhaps he seems uncertain, for he begins now to ask about Good and how to act from Good. “What good thing shall I do?” So in one account it is said that Jesus looked on him and loved him. Truth is first and Good is last. Then the order is inverted and Good is first and Truth last, when the man acts from Good. The rich man is told to “sell” all he has and follow Jesus. To act from Good in place of Truth a man must sell all his feeling of merit, all self−evaluation, all sense that he is good, all sense that he is first. For if he thinks he is good, he will act from himself, from his self−love, and that is why it is said that only God is good. In Luke it is said: “None is good, save one, even God. ” (xviii, 19. ) All good is from God, not from Man. If a man thinks that he is good he will inevitably seek a reward” for all he does, for he will ascribe good to himself.” (p57)

Much ‘esoteric’ exposition of this kind is found within the Work of Gurdjieff, especially in relation to one’s internal relationship with the world. Anyway, the Work isn’t so much the factor of primary importance here, what is of merit is the fact that a teaching had begun to introduce me to a real understanding of the teaching of Christ. Now, I would like to reiterate, there are many who will read that prior quote – those fortunate enough to get a good education regarding Christianity – and think nothing of it, but for me it was, quite literally, revelatory; and this, in itself, is an example of how dire my prior education had been – to repeat, what I, up until this point, had considered Christianity to be, quite literally was not Christianity.

So what happened next? What happens when a world inverted is slowly being reverted back to its correct state? I imagine it differs from person-to-person. For myself, someone with a natural predisposition for reading, I began to read voraciously. Firstly, and it shall come as no surprise, I read more and more about Gurdjieff and the Work, and this in itself opened up an understanding of what it is to be spiritual, what it is to pray, what it is to be; as much as I could, out of some strange act of orthodox purification eradicate Gurdjieff from this story, to do so would be a true disservice, I owe that strange, strange mystic much, and his words teach me still. However, as I mentioned, I was reading a lot. Gurdjieff, of course, but also C.S. Lewis. See, as the teaching Gurdjieff began to sink in, an understanding of God, faith, belief and Christianity grew, and eventually it grew to such an extent that it expanded out of the mere theoretical into the actual-spiritual; God was no longer a theory, an idea, an abstraction, the Lord had become a reality which sought to elevate my heart.

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“Two things in life are infinite; the stupidity of man and the mercy of God.” – Gurdjieff

I had been a fool, but I was a fool much akin to how Gandalf states to Pippin “Fool of a Took!”, for he still loves that fool. For yes, there was, almost at once, as certain principles fall into place and are internalized, a simultaneous moment of embarrassment, apology, sadness and joy, this was in its entire understood from a position of mercy and love. I had been a fool, but men are fools through-and-through, and if all I ever do is work on my own foolishness, then I believe I will have done well. But as a fool realizes himself to be so, he equally he has the realization that he clearly hasn’t a clue what to do, and I sure didn’t. If, almost all at once (the span of two years, which go by like the blink of an eye) your world was inverted, flipped, reversed…however you wish to envision it, what would you do? What can one do if not only their best to understand and help. And so I carried on down this path for some time, at best I would describe it as ‘auto-didactic worship’. Reading bits here and there, occasionally praying, roughly reading the Bible; finding your way, so to speak. But as with all things, there comes a time for the big decision, that of roots, of anchoring.

For these roots I turned to a few texts which call out as I think back now, they are quite denominationally eclectic, and left me quite open as to preference of path. As I have mentioned there was – as there has been with many – the words of C.S. Lewis. I began with Mere Christianity, and read my way through Surprised by Joy, The Great Divorce (my favourite), Screwtape Letters, and later The Problem with Pain. Now, technically Lewis is Anglican, but I personally would describe these books as simply ‘Christian Apologetics’, I’m not sure – at least with my current theological understanding – it would be appropriate to place a denominational value on them. However, it stands that Lewis’ texts gave a firm basis of understanding, as someone who always seeks to approach matters of practicality (how to act) first, Lewis allowed me to see the world with Christian eyes for the first time. However, something was missing, for as many of you know I’m quite a traditional chap, not at all fond of the modern world. So it shall come as no surprise that the book which is next on my list is Nihilism: The Root of the Revolution of the Modern Age by Seraphim Rose. A book with an obvious Eastern Orthodox emphasis, but this text allowed me to see both how what was wrong with the world was a fault of turning from God, and how healing is found in returning to God. After the work of Lewis Nihilism had no work to-do where convincing/teaching was concerned, it was a work of solidification for my mind. And finally there was The Seven Storey Mountain by Thomas Merton, a book that rings out in my mind not for its strict apologetics, nor a defence, nor theory or didactic biography, but of beauty. It is a delicate, sublime and expansive text which not only leads one through the life of Merton to his eventual calling to the Trappists, but does so in such a manner that one understands what it is to be lead by the Lord.

Belief was there, the mustard seed of faith had begun to grow, practice was found in abundance, and yet, I had no home. I had no Church. Before me were varying routes, but many were struck off almost immediately in an intellectual manner. That is to say, historically and theologically speaking, Protestantism just does not, and likely never will, make much sense to me. It was such a denomination which lead me from Christ in the first place, along with this, as I have said, I am a traditional person, and so the choices were quickly trimmed to Eastern Orthodoxy or Catholicism. (I’d like to state I have nothing against Protestants). Of course, with such an amount of time spent with Gurdjieff Eastern Orthodoxy (a key Gurdjieffian influence) was extremely appealing, the mysticism, the music and the ritual are all – from what I have seen – astoundingly beautiful. And yet, I saw myself getting lost, once more, in a culture which was not my own. Perhaps I will stop my explanations between denominations here, for there are other reasons as to why I turned to Catholicism, some theological, but many strictly personal and practical.

And now I have written up to the present day.

I attend a small, humble Church in my local town. Of course I haven’t stopped reading the lives of Catholic Saints since undertaking RCIA. And yet I feel something is missing here, for what I have written of is historical, empirical and academic. The question I sought to answer truly, is, what is it like to be found by God?

~

To be found is to assume one is lost. And if one is lost they must wish to be found, for there is much false-comfort in the labyrinthian trails of the maze, there is much faux-understanding to be believed in the complexities of the complex; it is easy to get lost in that which is purposely complicated as a means to legitimize its claims. For I can state one thing about God, about Christ, with a degree of certainty, He is simple. And it is this simplicity which eludes those who have been drawn into the intricacies of the modern world, wherein there are infinitesimal committee meetings to get even the most meagre change; the Lord isn’t a bureaucracy, and if you so wish you can communicate with a learnt ease. For the question is, of course, ‘How do I find God?’, but it is also ‘How do I allow God to find me?’ and it is this re-framing which allowed that simultaneous finding-and-seeking to take place; to open oneself to an internal vulnerability that perhaps all is not of them, and all is not of their control, to open to that which is in your spiritual peripheral, you’ve always known it’s there, but that which is in the way allows a retention of false-comfort.

Surely we live in a world more solipsistic than ever, each iteration of time, and innovation of material leads us ever-closer to our own atomized personal heaven. But inversely, such a process leads us further away from something else, and what that thing is, as the supposed opposite of material, seems inconsequential, unimportant, possibly even unreal. And yet, as I was reluctant to admit, that feeling was always there, however dim, the flame never died. For in such an admittance is a paradox itself – One can throw as much junk atop that flame in the hope of extinguishing it, but it is belief which keeps it alight, and so the more you seek to deny it, the more you bolster its reality.

I haven’t any strict advice from here, only that if one is thinking on such matters that my emails are always open (hermitixpodcast@protonmail.com) – but prior to this, I would advise only a single thing, prayer.