Love and Lust in the Time of Pornography

Porn is bad. In fact, it’s not just bad, it’s the worst of the worst. Quite frankly, it’s demonic. And this post will not make any attempt to prove to you that porn is bad. I haven’t the time to enter into debates with people who mistake their own, subjective ‘good-feelings’, with what is objectively true. All I will state in this first paragraph regarding the ‘morality’ of porn, or its positive/negative effects on society, is that the matter is quite black and white: Porn is abhorrent, and with regard to modern society it is simply a catalyst for the exacerbation of an impersonal misery made personal. Conversely, No-Porn, ZERO Porn, is good, and with regard to society as a whole, where pornography is not, there sanity might retain a foothold.

Now, this post isn’t exactly meant to be an antidote, or cure for those who struggle with the consumption (not enjoyment) of porn, but I believe it may help. Firstly, in recent years discussions around porn have become so commonplace that – much like technology – the root issue is overlooked in favour of various niche debates. Let me explain by first looking at technology. If one is to peruse a mainstream news site, social media site or streaming service, they are likely to find an undercurrent of what could be titled ‘technology-questioning’ literature. That is, think-pieces and write-ups which question our contemporary usage of technology, but not to the extent that one might be persuaded to click off the news-site itself. Much in the same vein, year after year we collectively accept the 1.35 million deaths and 50 million injuries (source) related to road traffic accidents each year as a foregone conclusion, without ever stopping to question the root cause of the problem itself, and whether or not such a habitual and accepted understanding of the **world could ever be questioned. They are not seen as avoidable deaths, but simply as part-and-parcel of the equation relating to our personal freedoms and modern world of convenience.

Much the same logic is applied to porn. Much like the oh-so-humble automobile (Read-in-normal-speak: Car), the pornographic film has itself been subject to the process of normalization, and has been condensed into the catchy and relatable – and somewhat cute-ified – term ‘porn’. It’s no longer a foreign abstraction found in the dark recesses of society, promoted only by the seediest of individuals, no. By way of its continual acclimatization as something unto which we all – apparently, alike the car – partake in without question, porn has become just another accepted facet of the modern world, representing all that is good within such a world of rampant sensuality, which, when separated from love is quite literally, nothing. Also, alike the humble car, the convenience, enjoyment, and personal-freedom of being able to watch porn consistently trumps the various ‘car accidents’ derived from its consumption. (Those pornographic ‘car accidents’ include, but aren’t limited to: Reduction of intimacy, aggression, depression, erectile dysfunction, inability to enjoy sex, increased demands on their partner and anxiety.)

And so, to my point, the discussions surrounding porn – alike the car – are no longer about whether or not porn itself is altogether good or bad, but primarily gravitate around factors such as ethical porn, porn usage, the correct integration of porn into a relationship, when is it ok to start watching porn etc. – such discussions are the equivalent of better seatbelts or airbags, when the option to just not take the car isn’t even offered. And so, quite frankly, porn is in. They’ve won their debate by way of continual and unrepentant normalization of their position, porn is freedom, and freedom is porn. I am, of course, here to offer you the unspoken alternative. Don’t get in the car. Don’t drive. Don’t watch porn. Do not watch porn. And, most poignantly, you don’t have to watch porn. Just because the option of porn, junk food, promiscuous sex, smoking, drugs and drink are offered to you, doesn’t mean that you’re giving up a liberty/freedom by not taking them, in fact, you’re partaking in an even greater freedom, the freedom to understand that they’re not good things, and should be avoided.

This choice, between partaking and not partaking, is the final thing I would like to comment on here, for it is another area where modern consumer culture has won its war. As stated, you have a choice between doing X or not doing X. Between watching porn (choice A), and not watching porn (choice B). However, the malicious forces of the world would like you to believe that choice A, that is the positive choice (to do, to watch) is the normal choice, the one that’s always been there. And that, choice B, is the weird choice, because it is always the choice to not do something, and thus grows the implication that one is missing out if they don’t always choose choice A, that is, to partake in whatever the latest wretched activity the modern world promotes. These choices have been reversed. It’s tough to see, but choice A is choice B, and choice B is choice A. The true state of man, and the real state of his freedom is one in which he is free to act without need of a crutch, there is no real choice B for a free man, there is no negative choice, or fear of missing out for the truly free man, because it is not an option he would ever have conceived of. If you are a master of food, you are a slave to gluttony; a master of sleep, a slave to sloth; a master of violence, a slave to the emotions; a master of porn, a slave to lust. To be free, is simply to be, without need of all the attachments and trinkets which seek to lure you in.

And so, to the first part of my title, ‘love and lust’, what happens to them when fully assimilated into the time of pornography? Much like all things which fall under the spell of the nefarious, the good is taught as bad, and the bad as good, and as such, they become reversed. In the time of pornography, lust usurps love. But what does this look like in practice, and for this we need to turn where many turn who are caught in the thralls of porn, we turn to the internet…

Many who’ve struggled with porn, or even porn addiction (fast becoming a silent epidemic), are quick to turn to the internet for advice. Turning to various message boards, forums or social media accounts for ways to combat the beast that is porn. I imagine, and hope, that many of them are successful in their endeavours, and various practical or habitual alterations to their lives allow them to forgo their addiction. But in combatting porn, they are entering into (almost) the very same passions which lead them into this abyss – They are allowing their emotions, their passions, to take the reins and battle it out; they are fighting fire with fire. In a sense, they are using lust to fight lust. I will emphasize, if this works for you, do not stop. I am not deterring any efforts which work. What I am eluding to, however, is the ignored root, the war itself, between love and lust.

When one consumes porn, they are entering into lust. Lust is a selfish act. It is an act which is targeted solely at the fulfillment of one’s own, personal desires. Quite often in life, one can fulfil their personal desires in an innocent fashion – If one fancies a delicious meal, they can make it; if one desires a nap, they can lay down and snooze away. The thing is, these desires don’t effect others, they don’t effect the foundations of one’s perception. For when one consumes porn, their desires are met at the expense of another. They will of course find various ways to justify – with rationale and logic – why this isn’t so, but at the end of the day, staring them in the face is the reality of the situation – another’s body/flesh is used for the fulfilment of their subjective, selfish desires. When this action is looked at from afar, we can begin to see what lust truly is, lust is love turned inwards, towards yourself, and yourself alone. Lust is the malevolent reversal of what is right and good; lust seeks to justify itself by way of its own voice. Put plainly, in the act of porn consumption, the only reality which exists is the reality of one, and to that reality it seems all things should bend. Porn shuts out community, it shuts out discussion, it shuts out romance, affection, and intimacy, and, at the depths of its abyss, it shuts out the one true remedy for its ills, love.

Love, in absolute opposition to lust, projects itself outward, into and of the world. Love is embracing, caring, nurturing, and yet often tough. Love in action is practices which seek only for the betterment and wellbeing of others; love in thought is the desire for one’s actions to bring about a better world; and finally, love in heart, is an empathy attempting to cradle the most lost of souls.

Before all the arguments and debates, before the NoFap trials and cold showers, before the acceptance and malaise, there was a single choice, selfishness or selflessness, to take or to give, to consume or to create, to lust or to love. What one finds, as they slowly start to demand less of the world, to take less of the world, is that waiting at the sidelines, all along, was the eternal choice of giving and loving. It may seem extremely abstract to try and persuade you that what can truly overcome the abyss which is called porn, is really only love, a selfless love. In entering into the act of consuming porn, one is entering into their own deluded kingdom of subjectivity, where they can never lose, for everyone exists solely for their use. To exit such a false kingdom, one must begin to look upon the other as a person, with all the same strengths, weaknesses and flaws as they have; the antidote to pornography is to genuinely care, to such a degree that in lifting others up, you are brought up by the weight of the giving.